What do Tracee Ellis Ross, Michelle Obama and JaNa Craig all have in common?
As of recent, their romantic lives and love stories have been a constant discussion for the world to participate, judge, condemn and revel in.
The Internet has been set ablaze lately by the love lives of these women at of lately. From baseless rumors of an Obama divorce to Tracee Ellis Ross’ revolutionary vision of love via her new docu-series and JaNa Craig’s sudden breakup with Love Island co-star turned boyfriend Kenny Rodriguez, the world seems to be infatuated in a fresh way by the love lives of these Black Women.
Now, the world’s obsession with our love isn’t new, but the critique of it via the Internet for all to have access to and join in on the conversation with is. And since these conversations have been scavenging the Internet, I can’t help but to wonder what each of these messages have been sending to Black Women on the topic of love; what it is, what it’s possibilities include and whether or not it’s something still worth aspiring to have.
For many Black Women, despite the stereotypical tropes put on us in media, being the main character in our own lives is nothing new and neither is finding someone to share that spotlight with. Romantically speaking, we’ve seen this song and dance with success over the course of generations. Apart from our own success stories found amidst the fifty, sixty, and seventy-year long marriages of our grandparents, the stick-to-it-ness of our aunts and the self-worth found in the marriage diaries of our mothers, examples like Ruby Dee & Ozzy Davis, Nicole Ari Parker & Boris Kodjoe, Ayesha & Steph Curry and Angela Bassett & Courtney B. Vance have served as real-life anchors of hope and beacons of light for us to look toward for inspiration and aspiration.
So, since when has this conversation turned from “love a Black woman from infinity to infinity” to a confining, limiting, grotesquely sexist mold of a love story that comes in a one-size-fits-all model?
It started this year with the rumors of the “Obama split”. Numerous tabloids picked it up. A legion of publications fed into the non-sense. Millions of people heard the rumor and ran with it, adding their own twists, spins, dissertations and opinions to a story that never once sought out its stars for truth.
Michelle didn’t feed into the outside noise.
As shared on her podcast, IMO, co-hosted with her brother, Craig Robinson, our Forever First Lady boldly dispelled the rumors, saying that in her 32-year marriage, that there hasn’t been “one moment in our marriage where I’ve thought about quitting my man.” And while that should’ve been the mic-drop moment the media had been aimlessly feigning for, it nearly was received by mass media as a whisper in response to the beast of a rumor it was up against. They sparked the fire and refused to fan it out. And their allegiance in making love with such a lie felt like a re-upping of the war against Black marriages; like a country watching stand-by as careless shootings happen every day in their own backyard while yet keeping their main priority sending weapons of warfare and money to commit more doom in other countries they have no business even dealing with. And although their commitment is unwavering, so is her and her husband’s evident commitment to standing strong in their truth – no matter who talks about their love.
Image by IMO.
When Tracee Ellis Ross announced her latest venture, a docu-series in partnership with the Roku Channel called Solo Traveling with Tracee Ellis Ross, excitement was nearly instant. Known already for her love for travel amongst her 15.3 million followers on her various, personal social media platforms, the announcement of the show felt kismet – like a long time coming. And when it arrived, it sparked conversations of single hood. Though the Black-ish and Girlfriends actress is no stranger to the topic, what does seem to be new is the level of respect toward her for it. With a few users raising eye brows and sharing comments about their “disbelief” in her contentment in solitude, it has ignited numerous conversations on social media about the possibility of such a dichotomy; it’s given language and example to Black Women that you can truly be happy and live a joy-filled life while single – that solitude in your singleness and expectancy in romance can co-exist in the same body.
Image by Roku Channel.
JaNa Craig nearly broke the Internet when she announced her sudden breakup from her Love Island co-star, Kenny Rodriguez. And even after rumors of potentially racist and demoralizing undertones contributing to her decision to end the relationship, the “blame” of her breakup with him has still been in major part bestowed upon her. This is, despite numerous of their other co-stars coming out in instant support of her and sharing their thoughts on her ex, none of which have been flattering toward him. This has raised eyebrows for many Black Women and affirmed the thoughts of others; it’s served as a potent reminder that we can seemingly ask for and receive love, but that there’s a big chance it’ll hurt you in the end, with no remorse. But just as Black Women know to do, JaNa has kept her head high and her spirit bright, letting the world in on her vulnerability while keeping her self-inherited joy sacred and protected.
Image by @janacraig on Instagram.
So, what do we do with this information? How does a Black Bride getting ready to walk down the aisle handle seeing examples like this of love? How does a Black Bride-in-Waiting process such a variety of illustrations of love?
First, you have to remember what you’re up against.
Gentle Reminder: This system was built to watch you break. Historically speaking, there have been literal laws and systems put into place to stop us from receiving the love stories of our dreams. To silence our hearts’ desires and pity our agency to dream and to dream big. And while this is a harsh truth, it’s a sobering one. Once you remember this reality, you’re able to confront it head on and call the spade a spade. And once that call out has happened, you’re then able to echo the one truth that matters back to yourself; that you’re worthy of the love you seek, despite the world showing you the opposite. Because when you know who you are, nobody can convince you otherwise – not even a rumor mill, word to Mrs. O.
Be reminded: You define your love – not the world.
What does love look like to you and for you? Is it your partner showing you affection amidst their own, personal, evident exhaustion anyway? Is it 1 Corinthians 13 in action? Does it feel like a Sade album on repeat? Does it smell like a home-made peach cobbler with extra love baked in for a party of Y-O-U? Once you define what the love you’re longing to have looks, feels, sounds and walks like, you’re in your bag. Get it on paper and make it your standard, this way, you know that if anything falls below it, it’s not up to code and you are assured that you don’t have to settle for less. And in the words of Queen TER herself, “I spent many years waiting to be chosen, but here’s the thing; I’m the chooser. My life is mine.”
Didn’t you know? It ain’t nobody’s business anyways.
If JaNa Craig’s breakup is teaching us anything, it’s that what you choose to do in love and how you choose to show up in love is nobody’s business but your own. Whether you want to get married at 26 years old on the dot, whether you don’t find your husband until your mid-50s or whether you decide to live an intentional life of single hood for the rest of your days; the choice is YOUR’s. Don’t compare your version of love with anyone else’s. If it’s not right, remember that you absolutely do NOT have to stay in a situation that’s no longer serving you. The invitations have already been sent for the wedding? You already put the down payment on the venue? Scared of disappointing your family? Don’t even let THAT stop you. Better to move on now than waste another minute of your life in something that isn’t serving you. Tell the truth – to yourself first. And then let yourself figure it out, in peace, on your way to the next.
So, while the media can shape shift our stories in love as Black Woman to match whatever racist, sexist, hateful rhetoric they want to spew and spin it toward, here’s your reminder: you are worthy of the love you’ve always dreamt of. It’s possible and it all starts with you.
Written by Writer, Kennedi LéShea.
